


Not-so-Hungry Hippos

by Noblehunter



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Concerned Children's Advertisers "House Hippo" PSA Commercial, Robin: Son of Batman (Comics)
Genre: A Part of Our Heritage, April Fool’s Day, Gen, House Hippos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26725384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noblehunter/pseuds/Noblehunter
Summary: Damian has some new pets and can’t wait to show his brothers. He just can’t figure out why they’re acting so strangely.
Relationships: Damian Wayne & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Tim Drake
Comments: 8
Kudos: 91





	Not-so-Hungry Hippos

Damian was finally satisfied with the work he'd done on the room in the Manor's east wing. It had technically been a bed room before his new pets had started nesting in it. He’d cleared out the ruined bed and recliner, the foam from both had been pulled out and gathered into fluffy mounts inside the closet. The floor had been replaced with sturdy laminate and the tables disposed of discreetly. He was glad that he’d found them first and not Pennyworth. The butler took such a proprietary interest over the manor’s contents. 

The room was now almost entirely given over to a habitat for his pets. The only clear space was a path around two sides of the enclosure to allow for easier cleaning. The fence was only two feet high as the new inhabitants of the room were poor climbers and jumpers. A terrarium with the glass panel of the long side removed took up most of the far wall. Half the terrarium was taken up with a miniature pool and the other side with a flat rock under a heating lamp. Food and water dishes were placed near the closet, the water bowl was big enough for Damian’s pets to swim in. The food dish was currently filled with potato chips and peanut butter covered breadcrumbs. 

The original nest in the closet--which had caught Damian’s attention during one of his nighttime wanderings--had been replaced with soft wood chips and wool battening. The closet door had two small holes drilled into the bottom. Damian had also fashioned a tunnel running from the back of the closet to a hole in the wall near the floor. A route had also been added along the terrarium so that the pool was accessible without crossing open floor. The rest of the space was littered with ramps and plastic caves offering hiding places or vantage points. While his cat or other predators should not come into this room, it would be easy for the room’s creatures to hide should it happen anyway. 

He hoped it wasn’t weakness to feel pride in the work he’d done. This wasn’t the Mission; it wasn’t anything to do with Robin. It didn’t contribute to either of his legacies nor his heritage. It was just the work of his own hands, materials clandestinely acquired (Pennyworth was undoubtably aware but had not been required to take notice of it) and assembled without anyone’s assistance. Secrecy had been necessary to ensure that these animals where not destroyed as pests. It would not do for them to suffer the fate of the mice and rats who transgressed against Pennyworth's housekeeping. Now they had a habitat and were corralled and contained. Damian had personally tagged and collared every member of the colony. He was certain none had escaped to destroy another room in the manor. That made them pets, not pests. With their future survival assured, he could announce their presence to the rest of the house. With a nod, he turned away from the habitat, closed the door and went down for breakfast. 

The first sign something was amiss was that his usual place next to Father had been taken by Todd. All three of his brothers were clustered at Father's end of the table. Damian regarded them suspiciously and sat next to Pennyworth. He preferred to keep his distance from Todd and Father's squabbles. Whatever had led Todd to take his seat was not something he wanted any part of. 

Things grew more odd as breakfast progressed. He spotted three substitutions of the salt shaker with near replicas and two of the sugar bowl. Had his brothers all decided to practice their sleight of hand today? Or was something more nefarious going on? Damian examined his pancakes and the syrup closely but couldn't spot anything unusual.

"Don't worry, Master Damian," Pennyworth said. "I have enforced a strict rule that all foodstuff must leave the kitchen in good condition. Any of their tricks must be performed after it has arrived at the table."

Grayson pre-empted Damian's request for clarification by spitting milk and cereal all over the table. Todd took the opportunity to add something to Drake's coffee. Father was smiling even as he added something to Grayson's glass of milk. Grayson finished sputtering and grabbed his glass as if to rinse a foul taste out of his mouth only to create another spray of milk a moment later.

"Augh," he cried. "Okay, which one of you did that?" He glared at Todd and Drake. 

"Don't look at me," Drake said. "I'm too busy to bother with you."

"Yeah," Todd added. "Like we'd interrupt our vendetta to spike your milk."

Grayson settled back in his chair with a grunt. He glared down at his apparently ruined cereal and milk. Damian gave Father a questioning look but decided not to pursue it further. He should get his announcement over with sooner rather than later. Who knew what the others would get up to if he let things go any longer. Before he could say anything, Drake took a sip of his coffee and Damian braced for another spray of liquid. However, Drake gave no reaction. Todd only twitched. Damian took the opportunity Drake's sang froid had given him.

"I would like to announce some knew additions to our household," Damian announced, forestalling Grayson's attempt to rise, presumably for fresh cereal. "I discovered a nest of house hippos and converted a spare room into a habitat for them." 

"House hippos?" Drake said skeptically. "I didn't know we had any of them in Gotham." 

"Oh sure, baby bird," Todd said. "They were all over Crime Alley back in the day. Still are, I guess. They make great pets."

Damian nodded. "They seem quite docile. I haven't been able to find any information about domestication but they aren't even feral. I have been able to handle them quite easily."

"How many hippos are we talking about?" Grayson asked, He was oddly emotional.

"There are eight adults and three juveniles. They appear to be quite social even in the water. I am uncertain how similar their behaviour is to their larger cousins."

"You should record your observations," Drake said. "If there's no information online, you might be able to make valuable contributions to science."

"Perhaps I shall, Drake." 

Father's lips twitched. Damian did not understand what could possibly be funny.

"If anyone would like to see them, I'll be happy to escort you to their enclosure after breakfast," Damian told them to forestall any further bizarre behaviour. While it was gratifying for his brothers to actually be interested in his new pets, it was still unusual.

"I have got to see this," Todd said, getting to his feet and collecting dishes. 

"Count me in," Drake said. "Let's see what the demon brat has got up his sleeve."

"I wouldn't miss it," Grayson chimed in. "Lead the way little D."

It was alarming. Why were they so enthusiastic? "Father?" Damian asked, looking for someone to react normally. 

It took Father disconcertingly long to answer. "I have business at WE this morning. But I'll be happy to see them later."

Damian allowed himself to feel relieved. At least Father was not being weird. "Follow me," he said.

“I will take care of the dishes, but I will come by to see them later,” Pennyworth said. “I believe they are largely nocturnal?”

“At your convenience,” Damian replied. 

He led his brothers into the east wing. It was seldom used, probably why the hippos had remained undiscovered for so long. He ignored Todd and Drake’s odd speculation about his pets. They looked like miniature hippos. Todd had suggested he was familiar with the creatures, why was he entertaining ridiculous ideas about their appearance? Grayson was harder to ignore. 

“I just want to say how proud of you I am,” Grayson said, pulling Damian into a side hug that thankfully did not impede their forward progress. “This sounds like an epic prank and you’ve been so committed to it.” 

Damian stopped dead. All the treacherously pleasant feelings at his brothers’ interest vanished. “Prank? This isn’t a prank.” Were they all just humouring him, thinking he’d finally joined their juvenile foolishness?

“C’mon, demon brat,” Todd drawled. “Even I’ve seen the commercial and I was dead.”

“I didn’t think you had it in you,” Drake added. “This was an excellent joke for April Fool’s Day. If house hippos actually existed, I’m sure you would actually keep them.” 

Damian turned to stare at them. If house hippos actually existed? What were they talking about? He had eleven of them in a room just a few steps away. 

“What commercial?” he demanded. 

“There was an fake commercial about them a few years ago,” Grayson explained. “Isn’t that where you got the idea?” 

Instead of answering, Damian spun on his heel and stalked towards the room with the hippos. He regretted the lack of a cape to give his movements proper emphasis. “Come and see,” he said over his shoulder. 

“Dick,” Todd hissed. “How did you manage to fuck this up?”

“I got carried away,” Grayson sounded more normal, guilt leavening every word. “It’s his first real prank.”

Damian opened the door to the habitat before they could further spoil the moment with unnecessary displays of emotion. Although it had barely been more than an hour, he inspected the habitat to ensure nothing was awry. It was not, of course. It was very late for house hippos to be awake and they normally only disrupted their water bowls and food during their most active times. The juveniles especially liked to play with their food. Fortunately Catherine was still awake, probably taking advantage of her children being asleep. 

His brothers piled into the room after him. Fortunately, Drake was in front so he could see all three of their faces as they saw Catherine floating in the pool. She was the perfect duplication of a hippo in miniature. Less than five inches long, she was a great matron of her species. Only her nose and eyes were above water but her form was visible beneath the surface. She was Damian's favourite and he was glad she was the first one his brothers saw. His brothers were among the most calm and collected people on the planet. Accustomed to keeping their cool in the worst situations and to staying composed in the face of death. To see them all simultaneously dumbfounded was a joy unlike any other Damian had experienced. If sex was this good no wonder those idiots made such a big deal out of it. 

“That’s a tiny hippo,” Grayson said in his sickening I’m-talking-to-animals voice. 

“Timbo?” Todd said with a hint of accusation in his voice. 

“What? I had nothing to do with this,” Drake said. “It’s probably some rogue’s escaped genetic experiments.”

“You’re the one screwing around with time-travel and dimension hopping,” Todd accused him. 

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any hippo hitchhikers.”

“Guys, can we just enjoy the hippos?” Grayson said. 

“Hippo,” Drake corrected.

“Her name is Catherine,” Damian told them. “She’s the mother of the juveniles.”

“There are baby tiny hippos?” Grayson said. 

Grayson could be counted on to be soppy over the young of any species. 

“Yes. You will have to return after sunset to see them. They are asleep.” 

They spent several long minutes ogling Catherine before she tired of being loomed over by several large predators and disappeared into the nest with surprising swiftness. The four them retired to the hall to let the house hippos sleep. 

“They’re surprisingly fast,” Grayson commented. 

“Even their larger wild cousins fast,” Damian said. “They are surprisingly dangerous to hunt despite their ungainly appearance.”

Todd still looked nonplussed. Though why this out of everything they’d experience would ruffle his feathers escaped Damian. Drake looked pensive. 

“Do you have the room monitored?” Drake asked suddenly. 

“No more than any other unoccupied room,” Damian replied. “Why?” 

“You haven’t shown them to Bruce yet?” 

“No, why?” 

“Great, don’t show him until I get back.” Drake turned to leave. 

“Where are you going?” Damian demanded, grabbing Drake by the arm to hold him in place. 

“To get cameras,” Drake said, tugging his arm free. “Plain video to catch Bruce’s reaction of course. But night vision and IR for monitoring.”

That was surprisingly reasonable for Drake’s idea. “Very well, I appreciate your assistance with the electronics,” Damian said, ignoring Grayson’s look of approval. 

Drake bolted down the hall. 

All-in-all, this introduction was everything Damian could have hoped for.

**Author's Note:**

> [Here’s the original ad.](https://youtu.be/NBfi8OEz0rA)


End file.
